Emotional Intelligence Is a Practice, Not a Personality Trait
We’re excited to share that our Founder and CEO, Debra Cady, LCSW, was recently published by the New York State Trauma-Informed Network and Resource Center!
When people hear the term emotional intelligence, they often think it is something you either have or do not. My experience has taught me something different.
After years of working with leaders in healthcare, education, human services, government, and nonprofit organizations, research and my experience have taught me that emotional intelligence is not simply a personality trait. It is a practice. Like any skill, it grows through reflection, curiosity, and everyday choices. Research on emotional intelligence supports this idea, showing that many of the skills associated with emotional intelligence can be developed through intentional learning and practice (Bar-On, 2006; Goleman, 1998).
I also believe it is one of the most important skills we can strengthen to create healthier workplaces.
Many leadership programs teach people how to manage projects, budgets, and performance. Those skills matter. But we spend far less time learning how to understand ourselves and our reactions. Yet every conversation, every decision, and every relationship is shaped by how we respond to our emotions and the emotions of others.
Emotional intelligence begins with self-awareness.
Before we can understand another person’s experience, we first need to notice what is happening within ourselves.
That sounds simple, but it is not always easy.
Many of us move through the day on autopilot. We answer emails while thinking about our next meeting. We respond to difficult conversations before we have had time to understand how we are feeling. Sometimes our nervous system is reacting to stress before we even realize it.
One question I often ask leaders is:
How do you know when you are becoming emotionally activated?
Our bodies often recognize stress before our minds do. Neuroscience tells us that our nervous system is constantly scanning for cues of safety and danger, often triggering physical responses before we consciously recognize what is happening (Porges, 2011; Perry & Winfrey, 2021).
Your heart may begin to race. Your shoulders may tighten. Your breathing may change.
You may speak more quickly, interrupt others, become quiet, or feel defensive.
These are not signs that something is wrong with you. They are signals that your body is trying to protect you. The goal of emotional intelligence is not to stop having emotions.
The goal is to notice them early enough that we still have a choice in how we respond. That is why I often talk about the importance of the pause.
We cannot always control what happens around us. We can choose what happens next.
Sometimes taking thirty seconds before responding can completely change the direction of a conversation.
During that pause, I encourage leaders to ask themselves:
What am I feeling right now?
What do I need in this moment?
What might the other person be experiencing?
How can I respond in a way that builds trust instead of creating more stress?
Those few moments create space between emotion and action. That space is where emotional intelligence grows.
Curiosity helps build trust.
Another important part of emotional intelligence is remembering that our perspective is only one perspective.
Each of us brings different experiences, cultures, beliefs, and life stories into every interaction. Those experiences shape how we understand the world and how we respond to challenges.
What feels respectful to one person may feel uncomfortable to another. What looks like resistance may actually be fear. What seems like avoidance could be someone trying to cope with stress.
Instead of asking,
“What is wrong with this person?” emotionally intelligent leaders become curious enough to ask, “What might this person be experiencing right now?”
Curiosity creates room for understanding. Understanding helps build trust.
Trust creates the psychological safety people need to ask questions, share ideas, learn from mistakes, and do their best work. Research has shown that teams with higher levels of psychological safety are more likely to collaborate effectively, innovate, and learn from mistakes (Edmondson, 1999).
It also supports the trauma-informed principles of safety, trustworthiness and transparency, collaboration, empowerment, peer support, and responsiveness to each person’s unique experiences (SAMHSA, 2014).
Repair strengthens relationships.
Emotional intelligence also asks us to practice humility. None of us get it right every time.
We all have moments when our words do not match our intentions. One of the most powerful things a leader can say is,
“That didn’t come out the way I intended. May I try again?”
Repairing relationships builds trust. It demonstrates accountability, honesty, and a willingness to keep learning together. Leaders who acknowledge mistakes and model repair create environments where others feel safer speaking up, taking appropriate risks, and learning from setbacks (Edmondson, 2019).
When leaders model repair, they also give others permission to learn, grow, and recover from mistakes. That helps create a workplace where people feel safer supporting one another.
Caring for yourself is part of caring for others.
Another part of emotional intelligence that deserves more attention is emotional labor.
Many leaders spend their days supporting others while carrying their own stress. They navigate uncertainty, difficult conversations, competing priorities, and the emotions of the people around them. This ongoing emotional work has long been recognized as emotional labor, and when it goes unrecognized, it can contribute to exhaustion and burnout (Hochschild, 1983).
That work takes energy.
When we continually ignore our own emotions, it becomes harder to show up with patience, empathy, and clarity.
Taking care of ourselves is not separate from leadership. It is part of leadership.
Simple practices can make a meaningful difference.
Take a short walk between meetings.
Pause for a few slow breaths before a difficult conversation.
Look at a photo that reminds you why your work matters.
Check in with a trusted colleague.
Take a few moments to reflect at the end of the day.
Give yourself permission to pause instead of reacting immediately.
These small moments help our nervous system settle so we can return to our work with greater clarity, compassion, and presence.
Peer support also matters. Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is talk through a challenge with someone we trust. We do not have to carry every difficult moment alone.
Emotional intelligence supports trauma-informed workplaces.
In trauma-informed workplaces, emotional intelligence helps create environments where people feel safe, respected, valued, and included.
When leaders practice self-awareness, curiosity, humility, and compassion, they strengthen trust. They encourage collaboration. They create opportunities for people to learn together. They empower others to share ideas, ask for support, and contribute their strengths.
These everyday actions align closely with the six principles of a trauma-informed approach identified by SAMHSA: safety; trustworthiness and transparency; peer support; collaboration and mutuality; empowerment, voice, and choice; and cultural, historical, and gender responsiveness (SAMHSA, 2014).
That benefits everyone, not just leaders.
A practice worth returning to every day.
I do not believe emotional intelligence is something we master once and for all. I believe it is something we practice every day.
Every difficult conversation gives us a chance to pause. Every misunderstanding gives us an opportunity to repair.
Every interaction offers another chance to build trust, strengthen relationships, and support workplace well-being.
We will not get it right every time. None of us will.
But every time we choose curiosity instead of judgment, pause instead of reacting, or repair instead of avoiding, we help create workplaces where people feel safer, more connected, and better able to thrive together.
That is the kind of leadership our workplaces need.
A Reflection to Take With You
The next time you notice yourself becoming frustrated, overwhelmed, or emotionally activated, pause for just thirty seconds and ask yourself:
What am I feeling right now?
What might my body be trying to tell me?
What might the other person be experiencing?
What response would help build trust in this moment?
Emotional intelligence does not require perfection.
It grows one pause, one conversation, and one choice at a time.
For the article "references" and "about Debra" see the original posting here:
